I like lists. But I am beginning to think they aren’t all that good for me. Lists give me a false sense that it is possible to be done or through with the tasks involved with living.
Okay, it occurs to me (after having read the above sentence) that it isn’t the lists that are bad, it is the way I think about them. A list won’t ever control for the chaos that is living. A list can impose a mental framework from which I can manage my time and energy but that is all. Lists won’t make the passing of time and the changes that come easier.
Kids grow up. Relationships alter, and sometimes break. Parents pass away.
And still clothes must be washed, food made, dishes cleaned and put away. There is this place where tragedy meets laundry and I feel that I have been living there for awhile.
Please don’t get the wrong idea. Me and mine have our health and a little wealth and good friends. I wish my life would calm down a little. There has been a tremendous amount of change and emotional upheaval in the past 7 years. I don’t know if I have grown in resiliency or if I have just become callous.
I really hope it’s that first thing. You know what, Felicia wouldn’t put up with a jerk for a best friend so I’m think I’m in the clear.
Here’s the point. No matter how many lists I make and then check all the items off when I am finished, there will always be more to do. The goal now isn’t to get everything on my list done. I know I can do that. The goal now is to start curating that list to make sure there are things on it I actually want to complete.
That last sentence sounds outrageous to me. It sounds like selfish, first world, privileged, clueless white lady nonsense. But I’m going to have to do it anyway because it’s come down to this: I can’t keep living the way I have lived. Most of the framework of my old life is gone and so my mindset must alter to reflect this new reality. I will figure this out as I go along. I can keep making lists but the dream of getting it all done, that was for a life I no longer live. Time for a new dream? Time for a new way of thinking about living? I don’t know. But I am grateful for my friends and my lovely children and the view outside my window. There are oak trees, and when the breeze shifts, the branches dance a little. This is as good a start as any. Wish me luck.