Im So Angry and It Feels Weird

Why Am I So Angry?

It’s time to start talking about anger. Healthy anger motivates, makes waves and instigates change. But there is some anger that just builds, layer on layer, until it fills us up and comes pouring out. Why am I always so angry? Nothing goes quickly in life. No. Thing. Not traffic. Not doctor’s appointments. Not any transaction at any retail establishment anywhere ever. My food order is usually wrong. My jeans don’t fit my thick middle. Nothing about my daily frustrations are new. Same shit different day. So why am I still so angry about it?

Drama. I am making all this drama around everyday problems. I keep going to the same places that mess up my order. I don’t go out and buy new jeans. I don’t take an interest in public policy that seeks to untangle gridlock in my community. I keep answering the siren song of the swap meet. And I am an anger monster. My anger surrounds me, a miasma of bad vibes and shitty little comments that fail to make me feel better and just ruin someone else’s day.

And then one day it occurred to me to google, “Why am I so angry?”

And google said that chronic anger is a masking emotion.

Well shit. I have ZERO interest in finding out what is under my anger mask. Something like when Oogie Boogie is unraveled and the last we hear from him is, “My bugs! My bugs.” And then Santa squishes that last little squeaky one with his tiny, patent leather boot.

No. Fucking. Thank. You.

But…what if I no longer like myself? I’m mean. I yelled at a woman in Target for spending 10 minutes arguing with the checker over a one dollar discrepancy on a product. I yelled, “I will pay the dollar if you will leave!” And someone behind me cheered. I did an utterly shitty thing to that woman. And what a shitty thing to have happen. Like Target at 5PM on a weekday isn’t bad enough. Should she have spent 10 minutes arguing over a dollar? Who knows. But there was no reason for me to yell at her. All the other lines were miles long, everyone else was in a full on seething rage but I was the only one to yell. Not good.

Something has to change. So instead of asking google, I pick up a pencil and a sheet of yellow construction paper (it was the only paper I could find) and I write:

Why am I so angry?

My people are from the Dakotas and before that some of them were from Norway and Ireland and Scotland. I was raised to be deeply suspicious of anything that reeked of emotion. Emotions are untrustworthy. They lead you astray. The only people allowed to express emotions are small children, drunks and opera singers. Emotions do not belong anywhere but a sandbox, a bar or a theatre, where the dark hides your weakling tears.

I once had a therapist tell me, “When you are having a strong emotion, you should tell someone you trust.”

I told that to a friend of mine and she said, “Most humans already know that.”

I didn’t! Strong emotions belong at the bottom of your soul where they can’t distract your surface self. Your surface self is busy trying to earn money, feed children and not crash into other motorists. It doesn’t have time for emotional nonsense.

So. Anger as a mask. Anger as a shield between me and the messy emotions the majority of humans have. Am I the only person wrestling with this? If I lift the lid (the metaphors are thick and fast and mixed!) to see what’s cooking, how bad will it be?

So of course I ask my friends because I don’t exist without this group of women. And what I hear is, “I’m angry, too.”

Wait. What?

I knew women were mad about Trump and his White House overrun with nincompoops and swine, but it seems as if the anger goes deeper and farther than the dangerous daily shenanigans of this Cheeto in Chief.

So one of my friends and I came up with the idea of talking to our friends and writing about not just their anger but what lies beneath their anger. How much of our anger is healthy and how much is masking vulnerable emotions we don’t know how to deal with?

Fear. Guilt. Shame. Sorrow. Resentment. Uncertainty.

It’s time to speak up. It’s time to tell the truth. Before I am eaten alive from the inside.

If you want to join us, remember this:

You don’t have to tell me that you feel lucky you get to stay home and raise your kids. You don’t have to tell me that you love your husband. You don’t have to tell me that you love your job. I am not here to judge you. You can skip the part where you perform acceptable womanhood.

You’re angry. I get it. Let it rip. I’m here to listen.

 

 

 

5 replies
  1. Deidre
    Deidre says:

    Omg THIS! I have serious anxiety issues and when I can’t go hide until it goes away, it comes out as anger. I was angry most of the day today, because I was having a massive anxiety attack. Even when I got home from errands my hands were shaking.

    Reply
    • Aileen
      Aileen says:

      I have generalized anxiety disorder, I was diagnosed 22 years ago, and it wasn’t until I read your comment that it occurred to me that my anger could spring from the low level terror I live with on a daily basis. It’s so hard for me to accept on a daily basis that things everyone else seems to do so easily, stand in line at a store or drive on a freeway (or drive al all) or sit in a restaurant I have to take medication and plan very carefully for. Thank you for your insight, I will be thinking about it a lot.

      Reply
  2. Brenda
    Brenda says:

    All of this is so true. The daily in daily out of the same old thing every week , with some much more to do and no more time to get it doen. Makes me mad, not getting anywhere same arrens ever couple of days. I have anxiety so it does not help as well

    Reply

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